Forgotten Dreams

I'd like to begin this blog by stressing my awareness of exactly how blessed I truly am. I have 5 beautiful, healthy children in my life, and a husband I couldn't possibly be more in love with. We have a solid marriage, which is no small feat in today's world. We have a warm home, and never miss a meal.

With that said, it occurred to me that no matter where we are in our lives, we all have some dream or goal that keeps us focused on where we are going and what we envision for our futures. Some manage to achieve some version of this and are able to then move on to new aspirations. Unfortunately, that has not been the case for me.

We moved around a lot after my parents divorced. I hated it. It seemed almost pointless to try to make new friends. We'd soon enough be moving again anyway. The experience really strengthened in me the need for my children to have a real home.

As a very young adult, and a single mom, I started my journey with trying to reach my goal. After scouring every home available in 3 counties, I soon figured out that my minimum wage job and less than perfect credit would only enable me to acquire small loans that would only cover houses that needed a tremendous amount of work. Work the house payment would not permit me to afford even if I had the slightest idea of how to complete it.

Not afraid of a challenge or a little hard work, I decided to go to college. I just knew if I could get a better education I could in turn, land a better job that would eventually help me to improve my credit along with increase the size of the payment I could afford.

I graduated in 2007. I was able to get a good job and bought my 1st home. It was a really small house, but it suited the needs of me and my 2 children perfectly. I always looked at it as a starter home and assumed it was an incredible step in our journey to the home I'd always envisioned for us.

I managed to make the payments regularly for 5 years. According to my plan, this should have been around the time I would finally reach my goal of being able to purchase the house that my kids would someday bring their grandkids to. The home that would bring them comfort and security when they looked back on it. However, a lot had happened in those 5 years.

Financially, things began to deteriorate. Instead of buying the home I had worked so hard toward and wanted so badly, we lost the one we had. Of course, my credit was now worse then ever. I refused to give up. I tried every nonconventional way I could think of, but inevitably had to accept that I would now have to wait 5 more years due to filing bankruptcy, and then start all over.

I had gotten married, and we soon added 2 more children to our family. This again, lit a fire in me. All I wanted was to give them a nice home. I wanted them to grow up making memories together in a house they were proud to live in without the fear of having to uproot and move. My husband's credit was improving. I must have drug him to look at at least 50 homes within the 1st 4 years of our marriage. Each new house would bring hope. I would picture our family there. I'd even paint the walls and decide where to put our furniture in my mind.

Just when we were about to buy, he lost his job. We have since moved away and started a new life in an area we expected could offer more opportunity then our little hometown. Still stretching every dollar while desperately trying not to let our credit slip, I look back on my life and realize this dream may never be.

I know we are good parents and our kids are going to turn out just fine, but each milestone our baby girl reaches reminds me of how fast they are growing up and exactly how little time we have before they will be out in the world chasing their own dreams. It makes me a little sad to think not 1 of them ever had a real nursery. I know they had everything they needed and will never remember or care about such trivial things. Still, as a mom, it's just one of the many things I wanted to give them that having our home would have provided.

So, I'll go on doing what we all do. I'll love them so much that they will never know what they missed out on...and someday I will tell them all about mommy's forgotten dream. Though they may never have the home I so longed for them to have as children, they will know mommy tried. With everything I had to give...mommy tried.

If you enjoy my posts, and haven't already, I'd like to invite you to check out my book Beastly Dreams. It's free for anyone with Amazon Prime or Kindle Unlimited. Every page flipped and every review gets me closer to my goal and is truly appreciated by this mommy ♡ Thank you to everyone for all your support.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01N6JGC9O/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Midlife Crisis

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time out their busy lives to read my blog, watch my little girl's videos, or check out my book! I find myself in unfamiliar territory this holiday season. Christmas just wasn't the same, being so far away from our family.

As my thoughts were drifting to days gone by, it occurred to me that some may view my new found hobbies as a midlife crisis. The truth is, even as a child, I always wanted to write. Now that my 38th birthday has come and gone, I find myself with an emptiness I attribute to now living so far away from two of our children, so I guess I jumped into new ventures and trying new things as a result.

First, I began this blog, feeling like it would be a fun way to document our story. I continue it now because it makes me happy. Next, I jumped into being a beauty consultant. Though I've never been very talented with girly things such as hair and make up, I knew I could learn a lot and maybe even make some extra cash. Well, I learned a lot...I'll leave it at that. Most recently, I decided to write a book. I'd always wanted to, and though it will not likely amount to much monetarily, it was a fun process that I got to, in part, share with my daughter.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not having a midlife crisis. Not yet anyway. I've merely reached the age and the place in my life that I'm finally comfortable trying anything I want to, regardless of what others may think about it. So what if my blog has a small following? I'm admittidly the very worse make up sells lady I've ever seen. My book may not even sell enough copies to pay me minimum wage for the time I spent writting it.

It doesn't matter. My children see this new found bravery in their mother that will hopefully encourage them not to pass on life for fear of failure. Sink or swim, my husband loves me regardless. At the end of the day, they are proud of me.

So why wait? Try everything you can and laugh at yourself along the way. You are never too young to chase your dreams and never too old to have new ones! After all, you only live once. Don't miss out out great experiences because you are afraid of failure. Instead, fear never knowing because you were too afraid to try.

Hope you all had a truly wonderful Christmas!

Dorrenna

Miracles from Heaven

Having mentioned in my last post that my 4 year old's favorite movie is now, Miracles from Heaven, I wanted to take a minute to explain how that came to be. Had I brought this up last week, her answer would still have been Frozen, just as it has been for nearly 2 years now. However, one little girl's youtube video and a late night heart to heart unexpectedly changed all that forever.

While browsing Facebook, I recently ran across a little girl named Claire Ryan. For those of you who aren't familiar with this little angel, she is my sweet Gabby's age, and like Gabby, has her own youtube channel. Her videos appear professionally done and many are of her singing Disney songs with her dad. I knew Gabby would love it so I introduced her to Claire's channel.

One song wasn't from a Disney movie at all. "Gethsemane", panned back and forth between this little girl and what appeared to be takes from a movie about Jesus. Gabby was enthralled. We have taught her about the 'happy' side of things. She knows about God and his love for us. She knows how important it is to have a good relationship with him. She knows that my mother went to live with him before she was born. However, being so young, I had avoided many of the other details.

We had never really talked about death. Needless to say, the video showed sweet Jesus being drug away and a cross of thorns being placed upon his head. As a few drops of blood began to run down his face, she turned to me and asked why. I make it a point to try to be as honest as I can be with my children, without providing information that I feel they are too young to understand.

I took her little hands and I explained what sin is. I then told her about the sacrifice Jesus made for us.  I didn't give the details such as the nails being driven into his hands and feet or the severe beating he withstood. I simply explained that they hurt him very badly and that he died for us.

Despite my efforts she began crying.....really crying. She asked direct questions about life, death, God, and human nature. We talked and she wept for over an hour. My heart broke as I watched a small piece of her childhood innocence and belief that the world and everyone in it is good, slip away. I worried terribly about how I answered her and if I should have postponed the conversation a little longer.

She finally accepted most of of her new found knowledge and seemed to have a basic understanding with the exception of Heaven. I tried to explain there are no actual pictures, and that different people have different ideas of what it will be like, but she needed more. I then remembered the previews of a movie I had wanted to watch, but never got around to, based on the true story of a little girl who got to visit Heaven and her experience. I asked her if she wanted to watch it with me. Of course, she excitedly agreed.

The next day, we picked it up at Redbox. She loved it! She watched it 3 times that night, and she nearly started crying again when we explained it had to be returned. I was pleasently surprised to receive it from her for my birthday a few days later. We've watched it nearly every night since! Each time is followed by new questions that convey to me her interest and level of understanding of everything we've discussed so far.

I've listened intently as her bedtime prayers have evolved and noticed she no longer needs reminded to say them. I reassure her when she needs it and remind her that what she thinks and how she feels is important. I will never forget that conversation with her or how I prayed the whole time for the wisdom to appropriately answer her questions. Some day, when she's older, I will explain to her that she was my very own Miracle from Heaven.

Faded Memories

Well, I turned 38 yesterday. I must say, I've been a little blue. While I was surrounded by people who love me, my birthday has become one of those days I tend to spend thinking of my mother.

I couldn't sleep the night before, and found myself quite lethargic the next day. Yet I was blessed to be awakened by an excited little girl who couldn't wait to show me what was in her pretty little pink gift bag she and her father had snuck out to get.

Among it's other contents was her favorite movie, Miracles from Heaven. She explained how we could share it if I wanted, to which I readily agreed. We spent the day at an indoor playground, and then had a nice dinner together. I received an enthusiastic call from my daughter, who is away at college, and then from my father. Many people took the time from their busy lives to message me or post on my Facebook wall. All in all, a great day, leaving me feeling special and loved.

My heart was there, but my mind continuously drifted to trying to remember my mother describe the day I was born. I have no idea why the thought persisted or why it suddenly became so important. The memory has faded over the years, but she described it as the happiest day of her life, as most mothers do. I was the 1st and only child she would ever have, yet all I can recall is her saying she looked out the window and noticed it had began to snow.

I tried to picture her face when she was younger, and to imagine what she may have said about her new baby. I tried to envision her smile and the sound of her voice. I had hoped that she might visit me in a dream that night and remind me of her story, but she didn't. With every passing year, I miss her birthday call more and more.

Getting older brings birthdays that aren't about gifts or parties, or even happy occasions for many. For some it's a grim reminder of things we never accomplished but meant to, an ageing body and mind, or times in our lives that are missed but can never be returned to.

Though all these things cross my mind as well, I find comfort in knowing that though memories may fade, taking with them the details of things we thought we'd never forget, their significance lives on forever as moments that mattered in our lives.

For me, my birthday validates that my mother was here, and that she loved while in this world. It reminds me that she had happy memories of her own. Memories that likely faded with time to make room for new ones. Memories that made her who she was, both now gone forever.

Treasures of an Old Coat

Please check out my catalogs at
https://www.marykay.com/dorrenna
Message me for a free pair of monogrammed gloves for every $25 your purchase totals! Thanks for your support!

The unpredictability of the pain or joy brought from an old memory is in part what makes it so very special. I was reminded of this tonight as I sorted through the pockets of an old coat that had been lost in the sea of clutter, deep within our storage room.

We recently learned of a leak to the storage area, likely caused from the winds of Hurricane Mathew. We decided to go through all it's contents to see if any of our belongings had been damaged. Several bags of clothes were able to be salvaged, thanks to the help of a bottle of white vinegar and a thorough washing, but several bags had to be thrown out.

Thankful for the minimal loss, what was waiting for me in the last bag was truly an added bonus. I was happy to see an old coat of mine. Not because it's style particularly appealed to me, but because it took me back to a different time in my life. A time when my relationship with my now husband, was still relatively new. I remembered wearing the coat on our date when he proposed and was excited to see what the contents of it's pockets held.

I was surprised to find a post it note from one of the hospitals my mother was in. On top of the note, given to me by a nurse, was her room number, 223. If you've read my older posts, you are aware of why this number is so special.

Digging a little deeper I found a piece of paper with her hand writting. If you knew her at all, you already know she was constantly doodling and making random lists. On this one in particular she was trying to sort out her monthly bills. It was a sad reminder of her monthly struggles. She was disabled, yet managed to keep her house payment and other bills current with a total income of only $698 per month. How many things she must have wanted and never gotten or needed and did without.

Next was the hospital bracelet from me being admitted the day of her burial. We really didn't expect me to leave there without our baby girl, but God miraculously decided to help me keep her in there a bit longer, despite the nightmare I just endured.

Finally, I pulled out 2 love notes written to me by the man who is now my husband, in the early stages of our relationship. One was dated just a month prior to our original proposed wedding date, and the other right before our 1st Christmas together. Folded in with them was a Christmas list. It contained the names of all our family and friends with gift ideas beside them. I had no idea that we be my last one with my mother's name on it.

Each item, significant in it's own way, accompanied by it's own emotion. Each memory, a little stronger then the last, taking me back to that time in my life that forever changed everything I had ever known about myself. Memories both good and bad that would one day lead me here to this day, learning to never underestimate the treasures of an old coat.