Number 5

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Once we had really processed the major changes in store for our family, we decided it was time to share our news with others. Sadly, I can't say my original fears were displaced. Some were supportive and appeared to be genuinely excited, but the reaction we got from most was disheartening.

You could immediately see the look of worry and concern on people's faces. You would have thought we told them we were facing a serious health diagnosis instead of having a baby. It almost seemed they felt bad for us. We understood they were just realistically looking at our now having a 5th child as being an added responsibility to our already heavy load, and were sincerely  concerned, but I still couldn't help but be offended.

Did they question my mothering skills? Did they think I was failing in some way with the other 4 and assume I couldn't efficiently care for another baby? Was it because we couldn't afford a bigger home or our age? Was that a requirement now for having a child? My hormones were out of control and I was on the defensive.

It hurt my feelings that people we loved couldn't share in my joy and I felt the need to defend my child. Not physically of course, but defend in the sense of making sure that the people we surrounded it with would appreciate the blessing it was to get to partake in it's life. There is no greater honor then to watch a child learn and grow, knowing you somehow played a part in it.

I felt sad and insecure. We were well aware of what this meant for our lives and were trying to mentally prepare ourselves for it. I looked back on the joy and excitement the news of our last child brought, and truly wanted it for this baby as well. It deserved it. We were 2 married adults, and though the pregnancy wasn't planned, we were great parents who would provide for this child in every way.

I felt people were saddened for our other children and wondered if they thought having another was taking something away from them. Then I wondered if those who were thinking this were right. Finally, I realized, it didn't matter what anyone thought. At the end of the day, it changed nothing. It was still our lives and solely our responsibility. The only thing left to decide about the matter was what attitude we were going to have about it.

Eventually my hormones calmed down and I could clearly see in retrospect that everyone who knew us, knew we had our hands full! Of course they were going to be concerned if they truly cared for us at all. They loved us and our children and didn't want life to be harder for us. As the pregnancy progressed, they'd get on board.

Once I made peace with this, I was able to take a much needed lighter perspective. The people my husband worked with made jokes about him being so fertile it was dangerous for a female to even stand next to him and not yet knowing the sex or name of our little bundle, refered to it as number 5. We found it funny as well, and even temporarily stole the nickname.

After all, yes babies are hard work, little sleep, and lots of worry, but one look into that little face and none of that would matter. One day soon, instead of wondering what we were going to with another baby, we would be looking back and wondering how we ever survived without her.

Shell Shocked

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We were shell shocked. We had just caught our breath from the exhausting, yet amazing experience of parenting our baby girl free from diapers and breastfeeding. Though stable, we weren't exactly living the life of luxury in our crowded little house and definitely were not financially prepared for this little surprise.

Though now I can't recollect why I cared, at the time I was insecure about what people were going to say. Would they think we were irresponsible given our living situation? We saw our dreams of one day moving to the beach slipping further and further away.

We postponed telling anyone as long as we could without upsetting them later by not informing them timely. We just needed a little time to adjust to the idea ourselves. Despite my anxiety I was also excited. I knew life was going to be a little harder but I was so proud of our little girl and the joy she had brought into the lives of so many others, not just us.

Though caring for small children had proven to be more challenging and required a lot more energy now that I was a bit older, I had also come to appreciate and savor every moment more. Having older children made me regretful of moments missed and optimistic about all the sweet memories that a new baby brings.

I looked back on my sweet Gabby's 1st words and 1st steps with pride and nostalgia. How blessed I was to get to do it all again. It would be okay. One way or another, we'd figure it out. I knew my husband was not quite as certain as I was. I could sense his fear when we would talk about it.

I reminded him of our relationship when our last baby came into our lives and how she only deepened our bond. Watching him with her was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. I was able to see a whole other side of him that was vulnerable and tender hearted.

So what if we had nowhere to put a crib and once again, didn't have the luxury of having a nursery. We always managed to get by. Our kids were not spoiled by far and didn't have everything they wanted, but we loved them so very much and always managed make sure their needs were met. It was time to embrace our changing dynamic. We were having a baby.

Anniversary Surprise

Now back to two incomes, our money situation loosened up slightly. We were approaching our 2nd anniversary and decided to take a late mini honeymoon to Pigeon Forge. We were only going to be gone for the weekend, but it would be the longest I'd ever been away from our youngest.

It made me think back to our wedding day. At our reception, I had commented to my new husband that I would love to get everyone back together for our 1st anniversary in the same spot for a barbecue. Throughout that 1st year, there was a house that I happened to see online that was available and exceptionally well priced. I fell in love with it. It was a fixer upper and needed some work, but I tried every avenue available to buy it.

While it was empty, we used to drive up to it and daydream about the life our family could have there. We even got a realtor to show it to us, and I took a picture of our baby on the deck, hoping it would be the 1st of many. I had also seen a necklace in a department store I really liked. I'd never been a jewelry person so I hadn't really thought much about it again.

On our 1st anniversary, he told me he was taking me back to the spot where he proposed to enjoy our year old wedding cake. On the way, he asked if I'd like to stop by the lake and reminise where we held our reception. Of course I thought it was a very romantic idea and was all for it. I cannot even begin to put into words how surprised I was to find the majority of our reception guests there waiting at a surprise cookout, just as I had suggested a year earlier!  As we were getting out of the car, he presented me with the necklace I had mentioned in passing.

Just when I thought the night couldn't get any better, he said we had to leave to go have our cake. Again I thought he was taking me to our original destination. Instead, he pulled into the drive of my little dream house on the hill. We sat there and ate our cake while we talked about how we'd do it all over again.

Our trip to Tennessee was a much needed getaway, but nothing aside from whisking me away to our beach could have topped that day. My heart broke a little when the house sold, but I knew that memory was forever all mine. There'd be other houses, but there would never be anyone else I would want to share them with.

Eeeeek!

Our little house was now begining to feel more like a tiny house. My oldest daughter and my son had their own rooms. Though both girls, it didn't make sense to have our toddler sharing a room with a teenager.

We had no dining room, den, family room, or play room. Our little one shared our room, along with all her clothes and toys. When our other son visited it was even more cramped. I had a corner of my kitchen, which doubled as a dining room, that I used for storage. It wasn't very pretty, but it sufficed.

I changed jobs and was working a lot of overtime. It had been several months since our anniversary getaway. My husband loves Garth Brooks, and he was giving a concert about an hour and a half from our home. I got him tickets and he took care of booking a room.

We went out and had a nice dinner and the concert was great! We had to rush home the next day to take our little girl trick or treating. I had finally weaned her from nursing. Though I missed our special time together, my body was relieved to have a break!

A couple of weeks later, I realized I couldn't remember having my not so friendly monthly visitor in October. I figured my hormones were just messed up because I wasn't nursing any more. After all, it was a miracle I was able to conceive our daughter. I'm not supposed to be able to have any more children. Even so, we were obnoxiously careful. Having 4 children was a real challenge and we weren't taking any chances.

I gave it a couple of weeks, then decided to buy a home test just to ease my mind. It was positive. I was sure it was a mistake. I tried another. Positive. I was in shock! Having no privacy at home, and not ready to have this discussion with our kids, I suggested we take a little ride to pick something up at the gas station about a mile from our house.

I'll never forget the noise he made when I told him. It was like a mixture of a screech and a grunt. His face was pale and he was frozen in fear.. "Eeeeek!", was all he could say, immidiately followed by a blank expression and silence. We decided to wait until I could see a doctor before telling anyone.

Of course, the doctor confirmed it wasn't just crazy hormones. I was pregnant...again. Given our fluctuating financial situation, the chaos of already having 4 children, and all the trouble I'd had with the last pregnancy, we were both scared.

To this day, we still honestly can't comprehend how it happened, but it looked like our little house was about to get a lot smaller. Once again, our lives were about to change.

Undeniably Blessed

It was great having my daughter back home. She immidiately got involved with her old high school's FFA program. She had aquired a lot of hands on experience at the boarding school, and had been the Secretary of their Chapter. It only seemed natural to run for office here.

She managed to get elected as the Vice President and went on to become the Regional Secretary. It seemed my troubled girl was not so troubled any more, and I loved it!

My husband's mother decided she was in the market for a new car. Instead of trading in her SUV, she decided to give it to us and instead, traded in my husband's small 2 door car we were still paying on. It was so helpful to have a little extra elbow room, though still unable to fit our entire family in only 1 vehicle.

We were able to find a really cheap truck for my husband. Unfortunately, it broke down the next day and he had to call the man he bought if from to tow it back home. Thankfully he gave us a discounted rate since he sold it to us.

We decided to find a way to make it last until we got our tax return. It hurt me to know that he worked everyday and we couldn't afford to buy him a good, dependable truck. I saw a really nice one on Facebook but it was out of our price range. I decided it couldn't hurt to message the owner and offer my husband's truck plus the amount of cash we could afford. All he could do was say no. He accepted! It was such an answered prayer! I was able to give it to him on Valentine's Day. He loved it!

Once again, it was one of those times when you knew the chances of something falling into place were just not realistic, but then they did! It wasn't fancy or new, but it was super nice and I didn't have to worry about him breaking down beside the road in it. Best of all, it was completely paid for!

I can't stress how good it made me feel to be able to give him something he not only needed but deserved. Things were starting to feel like they were turning in our direction again. Our family was whole and our needs were met. We were undeniably blessed.

Working Mama

Having one income really took it's toll on our finances. It was important to me not to put the baby in daycare until she was able to talk. Lets face it. We live in an age with no shortage of horror stories about daycare incidents. The world had changed and her safety was something I couldn't compromise on. Ideally, we'd put her in the daycare where her father worked. Unfortunately they had a long waiting list. We added her to it and hoped her name would reach the top before I found something.

I loved being at home with her. It was something I had never gotten to experience with my older children and the bond we had developed was priceless. I had already given up all the perks I enjoyed from my previous income. I didn't have a cell phone and stopped getting my hair done. I cut every corner possible but it still wasn't enough. Soon my car got repossessed and we were in real danger of loosing our house.

Despite the joy I felt from my family, part of me still felt broken. I wasn't sure if it was from loosing my mother or the drama that ensued prior to our marriage, but expected it was a combination of both and so much happening at once. I felt anxious just going to Walmart, let alone trying to find a new job where I'd have to interact regularly with complete strangers.

Regardless of my reservations. I knew it had to be done. I had a college degree I had worked my tail off to obtain that was gathering dust and I couldn't let us lose our home. Thanks to a call from a previous co-worker, I was hired immediately. We had to find childcare and fast. We researched every daycare in the area and compared everything from hours and rates to nap time proceedures. Once we narrowed it down, we visited each one in person.

The 1st reminded me of a pound. It had an odd odor but instead of excited puppies sectioned off and running around, it was toddlers. The level of chaos was surprising. Kids were climbing on everything, fighting with each other, and you could barely hear. The next was slightly better but expensive. Due to being able to work different shifts, we only needed care for about 2 hours a day. They said this held the spot from another child so they would have to charge for the entire day. The 3rd was 1 large room that didn't seperate kids based on age which we worried could pose a safety risk.

Finally, we went to the last on our list. We were so discouraged. Thank goodness this one was exactly what we were looking for. They had cameras to document any potential issues. The children were seperated into classrooms based on age, the staff was friendly and attentive, and they only charged for the time your child was actually there. When we saw the teachers interacting lovingly with the kids, we knew this was the one.

Those first few days were really hard for me. I couldn't wait to get home to her. I felt guilty for leaving her. I wondered if she was distressed or missing me. I had to keep reminding myself she was only there for two hours. Soon, she would ask to go on days she got to stay home, and would ask to stay longer when we picked her up. I realized she wasn't bothered by it at all. She loved it!

We developed a new routine. I would lay out everything for her the night before. Her dad would watch her until he had to go in and then drop her off on his way. I would pick her up as soon as my shift ended. She made friends quickly and I loved getting her little craft projects to hang in my office. She was doing so well we didn't even consider switching her over when they informed us the center at her dad's work finally had an available spot. She was going to be just fine, and now that I understood she was in good hands, so was I.

Farm Life

Time went by and our little family got to experience a little bit of "normal". All the children seemed to have adjusted nicely and were doing well, or so we thought. My oldest had always been very studious but we noticed a significant decline in her grades. This was concerning considering she'd be looking at colleges in a couple of years. We assumed it was just the transition into high school and that she would quickly get the hang of things.

She was good friends with the daughter of our next door neighbor, who had recently transfered to a Christian boarding school. They spent quite a bit of time together when the young lady came home to visit. She soon approached me about trying the school herself. I refused to even consider it. The school was 2 hours away and the thought of her living away from home at such a young age was inconceivable to me.

Soon, her behavior started to change. She started back talking and getting into trouble here and there. It didn't take long to escalate to the point that it seemed I couldn't talk to her about anything. She was just so angry all the time. Being a previous Social Worker, I decided to seek out some counseling for her, in effort to help her work through whatever was going on.

Turned out she was having anxiety and the anger was stemming from the realization that my mom was really gone. They were extremely close. As a little girl she probably spent more time with my mother then she did with me. She babysat her while I worked and attended school full time. I knew she had taken it pretty hard. After all, she had never really experienced loss before, but I had no idea she was also repressing many of her feelings.

The plan was to continue counseling and try to work through it together. Unfortunately, I soon found out she had made some new, questionable friends. Some were on drugs, some sexually active, and some who had even been expelled permenantly from high school due to behavior issues. She was grounded indefinitely but I couldn't control what happened at school or who she hung out with there.

I was scared. I had seen 1st hand the deterioration drugs could take on a young person's life and how fast it could happen. I knew she was at a very vulnerable, yet pivotal point in her life. We tried talking to her, but she continued to distance herself from us. I didn't know what to do.

She again approached me about trying the boarding school. I didn't want her to go, but agreed to research it. I quickly found out that it was very expensive but she would likely quality for a full scholarship. They prided themselves on helping teens to strengthen their relationship with God. I prayed about it and finally agreed to go for the tour.

They appeared to offer much more then a basic education. There was a farm, that was part of the school, where they grew their own food. Classes were small and they were thoroughly supervised. She was very interested and continued to stress the need to get away for a little while. I eventually agreed on a trial basis.

I felt like I was being robbed of the precollege time I had left with her. I missed her terribly and wanted her to come home. We visited regularly and brought her home for visits as often as we could. I soon noticed a big change in her demeanor.  She was starting to act like her old self again. She talked a lot about God and religion. She started participating in cheerleading and other extracurricular activities.

She finally opened up to me and admitted she had been angry with God for taking her grandmother. She said she rebelled out of frustration when the anger continued to get worse. Near the end of her 10th grade year, she returned home. It was obvious she was different. She had been working on the farm and had learned so much about caring for the animals and horticulture. She did her own laundry, made real efforts to spend time with her siblings, and had a new found confidence about her. I now understand that while it wasn't what I wanted for her, the experience was necessary. It provided her the time she needed to work through things and find herself, only to return home a leader.