The Power of Coffee

The days after loosing someone close to you are chaotic. You find yourself torn between your required obligations and the need to just break down. Arrangements have to be made, debts have to be settled, and lots of decisions overwhelm you. Looking back, I remember thinking how surprised and loved she would have felt toward so many people turning out for the funeral, but still to this day run into people who say they talked with me when they were there that I can't even remember seeing. It's like you're on autopilot, just trying to get through.

She looked peaceful. I placed pictures of her grandchildren in her casket, along with a recent ultrasound picture. Of coarse, the familiar cramping returned along with the bleeding, and I found myself leaving the grave site to go back to the hospital. They admitted me for a couple of days for observation. Then I returned home on bedrest....again.

We couldn't afford both house payments, especially now that we were down to 1 income, so loosing her house was inevitable. It had to be emptied. I told relatives to take what they wanted and choose a few things for my children. We were a family of 4, soon to be 5, living in a 1000 sq ft house. Storing things was not an option. Everything left was strung out in the yard next to a yard sale sign. I found myself giving things away to people who stopped. It hurt to see her things so cheaply displayed. They weren't worth much, but it was all she had.

She was a coffee lover. The smell of a freshly brewed pot would immediately hit you in the face when you walked into her home. We spent a lot of time at her kitchen table, figuring out problems, talking and laughing with a good cup of coffee, as if it were some magical fix all elixir. At the time, I never realized it's significance, but still today cannot drink a cup without thinking of her. After everything was gone, I brewed 2 cups and went to mom's one last time. I sat there in that empty house, where the table used to be, starring at her untouched cup and trying to feel her presence in some way. It wasn't there.

I tought of my baby who had already had such a hard life and it hadn't even began yet. I thought of her being right there in the delivery room when my other two children were born, and how difficult it was going to be this time without her support. I thought of every fight we ever had and every mean thing I had ever said to her. I rembered she never wanted that house, and only moved there to be close to me and my kids. She had always wanted my eldest daughter to have it. I couldn't even do that for her.

Throughout my life, my mother was my safe place. We fought regularly but whenever one of us had a problem, the other would be our 1st call. I ran to her when I was living with my dad and I had problems at home. I ran to her when my 1st marriage fell apart and I was alone and scared with a week old baby. I ran to her when I was an unwed mother, pregnant with my 2nd child. I wanted to run to her now. I wanted to sit at her table and talk to her about my baby, my relationship, my life. More then anything, I just wanted to hear her voice.

I prayed, asking God why he had taken her and left me all alone. I still needed her. Then, Brad came to check on me. He had literally been right by my side the entire time, talking to me, checking on me, and making sure things got done and the kids were okay. Once again, the coffee seemed to have worked it's magic as I realized I wasn't alone. Though we had a rough start, God knew his plan. He sent him to me when he did because he knew this was coming and I would need him to get through this. I honestly don't think I could have survived it without him. He knew I needed this baby too, only then, even I didn't realize how much.

Motherless Daughter

The next month is a bit of a blur. The tumor was too large to be operable and she was too weak for chemo. They decided to transfer her to a hospital in Ashland, Ky. There she was seen by more specialists. We were told that she had advanced stage 4 Cancer and that their plan was to provide comfort and try to slow it down. As she was being wheeled into her room, 223, she looked up and said, "223, that's the day I'm going to die." I told her not to say such things, knowing that 2-23 was not even a month away. They made it sound like there was no hope. How could this be? We just found out she had Cancer. Surely there was something someone could do.

The tumor was begining to block her airway and made it harder and harder to swallow. They recommended having stints put into her throat to keep it from closing off. All of the surgeon's at the hospital refused the procedure because it was too high risk given her condition. We found a hospital in Ohio that agreed to perform it. She weighed her options. I pleaded with her not to give up. The thought of watching her starve to death was more then I could stand.

She finally agreed and was transferred. Yet again, I couldn't sleep, and I found it hard to eat knowing she couldn't. My feet and legs began swelling. We all were exhausted. I prayed so hard she would recover and get to meet her grand daughter. The surgery went well, but left her in excruciating pain. We were constantly reminded that we were only buying her more time. Hospital after hospital, doctor after doctor, new medicine after new medicine, and test after test, yet she only worsened.

I had to make the trip back to Ky to see my doctor and make sure the baby was tolerating another extremely stressful time. I wasn't ready to give up. I wanted so badly for her to fight, despite her repeatedly telling me how very tired she was. Everyone kept encouraging me to talk with her about her final wishes, so before I left, I did. All she really wanted was a white gown and to be buried somewhere close to the main road to make it easier for people to visit her.

My doctor confirmed our fears and put me on bedrest. I called to let everyone know I was going to take a few days to rest but would then be back. They said she wanted to come home with Hospice. We had no idea how long her illness would last. I was out of vacation time at work. My mind was tired. My body was tired. My heart was tired. I reluctantly resigned my position at work. I'd been off too long and they needed to replace me to avoid my work being delegated to everyone else. I didn't know how we would make it financially without my income, but I had to be with her.

She quickly worsened. She had so many meds to keep up with and was always worried about making sure I got her bills paid. The reality finally kicked in when she looked at my then boyfriend, and made him promise to take care of me. He had been with me every single second of this nightmare. She was really dieing....and she was still worried about me.

She shared things with me about her childhood I had never known. Things that made me realize we had survived every hard time we had when I was growing up because she had been trained. She knew the evils in this world all to well. My entire childhood played back before me and I realized, she truly did the best she could. Against all odds, she fought to raise me by herself and we got by. She loved me in a way I knew no one else ever would...the way I love my own children..the way only a mother can.

On February 23rd, 2012, just as she had predicted, my mother left this world. She would never meet the grand daughter I was carrying. She would never get to hold her or rock her to sleep. On February 23rd, exactly one month after her birthday and one month after being diagnosed, her fight was over, and I joined the ranks of the millions of motherless daughters in the world just trying to make sense of it all. Truly an amazing woman and a phenomenal mother, her struggles of this life were over. She was finally at peace.

Happy Birthday, You Have Cancer

The holidays came and went. Though still focused on rebuilding our relationship, things were starting to finally feel somewhat normal. I had my cerclage in place now, and had been put on light duty at work. My mom had been sick with reoccurring bouts of pneumonia. She and I had a very close, yet strained relationship. We fought all the time, yet when the chips were down we knew we could always count on each other.

After years of being alone, she had recently gotten into a relationship I didn't approve of. He was much younger then her, and had a few habits I didn't care for which led to him finding himself in jail from time to time. I thought she was having a mid life crisis and though she lived next door, stopped visiting as much. 

My grandparents had come in to town for a visit and were staying with her. She didn't drive, so she was normally entirely dependent on me for groceries, doctor visits, etc. With the worries about my pregnancy and the strain of the recent issues that had been going on in my own life, I was relieved to have the break.

We were at work one day, and they called to let me know she had worsened and had been admitted to the hospital. They needed us to get there right away. We immediately left to head that way. It just so happened that this was her 54th birthday. We got there and everyone was crying. I was confused and wondered what they weren't saying. She then proceeded to tell me that the doctor had come in holding her x-rays and said, "Happy birthday, Ms. Mcgomery, you have Cancer."

I started crying. She'd started when she was only 10 years old and had been a heavy smoker my entire life. We both apologized to each other and our fight now seemed so stupid. I had so many questions, but no one had any answers yet. It was like a bad dream that I just couldn't wake up from.

Batteling reoccurring pneumonia for months, her regular doctors couldn't explain how the tumor had not been found before reaching the size of a grapefruit. Appointments were made with specialists and more tests had to be run to determine what the best treatment plan would be. Despite some talk of chemo and radiation being promising, nothing had been determined for sure, except that she was very sick and her life could be in danger.

I cried and prayed a lot that night. He held me and tried to comfort me. I remember asking him if he thought she was going to die. "No," he said. "I'm sure she's going to be okay." "Me too", I said. "She's a fighter." I started telling him stories about things she had been through and memories I had as a child. I was scared. Despite our issues, I was an only child, and loved my mother very much. I needed her to be okay. Life had not been easy as a kid, but she was always right there. I had taken for granted she always would be.

Being a single mom, my mother was very hands on in helping me raise my kids. I couldn't have survived without her. How was I going to tell them about this? I didn't know how much more I could handle. Surely things were bound to start looking up now. Little did I know, the worst was yet to come.

Life After Heartbreak

We've all been there at one time or another. You go through a couple of bad break ups and you get a little cocky, thinking you've finally got the dating thing figured out. Once you get cheated on a couple of times, you start making rules for yourself. Some try to stop getting attached or to harden their hearts. I had refused to make assumptions about all men based on my experiences and chose to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but my rule was to never waste more time or energy on them after.

Here I was, breaking my own rule, extremely cautiously. The inevitable happened. I became the crazy girlfriend no one wants to be. Not the hot kind of crazy, but the jealous, obsessive, and needy kind. I didn't focus on the possibility of him cheating again nearly as much as I did on determining to make sure to know about it when he did.

I made sure to know where he was and what he was doing every second of every day. I would call him up and ask where he was, then make him buy something and compare the time on the receipt to the time I had spoken with him when he got home. I regularly checked all his social media, emails, call logs, voice mails and would pop in anywhere he happened to be that I wasn't. I insisted he go to therapy in case there was some underlying issue that caused the behavior to avoid it happening again later. This went on for a couple of months. He never once complained.

Despite each day bringing new confidence in trusting him, I was driving myself crazy. My self esteem was non existent. Though I knew better, I was obsessed with figuring out if something was wrong with me. Was there something he needed that I had somehow came up short on? I constantly compared myself to her. She was beautiful, and very adventurous relating to their relationship. Though a bit wild when I was younger, motherhood had tamed me. I thought I was boring and plain. I truly loved him and actually questioned if there were things he needed that he would never have because he had chose this life with me.

Finally, we went back to my doctor for another ultrasound. Everything looked okay but I was eventually going to have to have a procedure to temporarily sew my cervix together to avoid miscarriage. He confirmed what we had known in our hearts all along. I was carrying the baby girl he had always wanted. I saw the look in his eyes and I knew at that moment we would never be able to go on like this. I decided it was time to force myself to start having faith in him again. That was the only way it would ever work and we both needed it to so desperately.

I gradually forced myself to stop checking up on him. It was hard. I was scared, but since I was a little girl, I dreamed of someday being in a marriage built on trust, and regardless of what I had been through, I'd come to far to let go of that dream. I deserved it. My children deserved it. I had to trust him. If he failed me it wouldn't be because I wasn't looking. It would be because he wasn't capable of changing. I was determined for our baby to come into this world welcomed by that family of my childhood dreams, and each day, I got a little closer.

He still to this day thanks me now and again for not giving up on him and not giving up on us. We have our fights and our habits that drive each other crazy, but in the end, it was the best decision I have ever made. He was the exception to my rule, and I was the exception to his past. There was life after heartbreak. While it's true that you can't change someone, it doesn't mean they can't change themselves. We make decisions every day that determine who we are going to be in this life. They have to recognize you're worth it. For some reason, the other's didn't, but I'm living proof, the one that matters will.

The Forever Kind of Way

Slowly days passed. Each and every one filled with new attempts on his part to change my mind. Once a cheater, always a cheater. That was what I had always found to be true, and the last thing I needed was to go through this again. I couldn't survive it. He spent alot of time with me, using the pregnancy and my recovering health as an excuse, insisting he was being a good friend as we had agreed. I had a follow up appointment and he went with me. Though still high risk, things looked good for now.

We talked.....alot. I was honest about how I felt. I told him I felt like everything had been a lie and he had only wanted to get married because of the baby. I told him how small and worthless I felt. I emphasized how I wanted nothing more then to be able to move on without him and wasn't sure why I couldn't. He continued to insist I was wrong, and to try to convince me that something was very different on his end as well, that he too was unable to explain.

He gave me the passwords to all his social media accounts, email, Verizon records, etc. Nothing really helped. Then, believe it or not, he actually did get my name tattooed across his heart. I thought he was crazy, but somehow, this changed everything. The fact that this was something he felt so strongly about in general, combined with him knowing there was no guarantee I would ever take him back, and he actually did it anyway, really got to me. It wasn't a small tattoo either. The text of my 8 letter name was quite large. This was the most grand gesture anyone had ever done for me. On one hand I couldn't believe he was serious enough to do something so ludicrous. On the other hand, I was still truly broken inside. I honestly didn't think I was repairable. I felt like something inside me was lost and I would never be able to fix it. That spunk and light that once filled my heart was gone. I had no fight left in me.

Finally, I asked the only question that mattered. You say I am different from these other women. How do you know? I expected some cheesy, generic answer about us being meant to be and not being able to live without me. Instead,  he started crying. "I missed you", he said. "I missed every single thing about you. You are the only woman I ever lost, that I regretted so much it changed everything. I can't concentrate on anything else, except how to make it better. When I saw you at that hospital, it physically hurt me to see you in so much pain. I hate myself for putting you through this. Please don't give up on me. Please! I need you like I've never needed anyone. Just give me 1 more chance. I'll do anything!"

We were both sobbing uncontrolably by now, and my mother's words rang loudly in my memory as my heart pounded. "I know you don't think I can do it. I know I don't deserve it, but please just let me try." I cried and thought silently while I listened. "I'm not just in love with you. I love you.... only you, in the forever kind of way. I can't make you understand how sorry I am that I hurt you, but if you just give me a chance, I promise I will show you, and I will never let anyone ever hurt you again".

Was I really crazy enough to take him back? Yes. I honestly didn't think it would work. Despite his words I so desperately wanted to belive, I really didn't think he had it in him to be faithful to 1 woman. I didn't think people were capable of changing their nature, but every fiber of my being knew that if there was ever a time I would regret not knowing for sure, it was now. It wasn't going to be easy. It wasn't going to be quick. It was going to be excruciating for both of us, but my mother was right. People make mistakes. We're all human. We screw up. Some learn and grow, while others buy time and say anything they have to in order to get the chance to make another. How do you know the difference? You don't. You make a decision, commit to it 100%, and wait. I had made mine. If it didn't work, I had lost nothing more than I already had. If I didn't try, I stood to loose and would never know, everything that may have been. The only thing I knew for sure in that moment was......he was worth it.

The Break Up, Part II

Days passed and anger quickly faded into agony. I fought. I fought hard to let realism guide me and to find a place within myself I could obtain a positive outlook for my future. My entire world had completely crashed down. I longed for him. I grieved for him.  I grieved for the future we had planned together for our baby. I was embarrassed because I felt like such a fool. I couldn't bring myself to face everyone at work. I couldn't handle the shame I felt or face any I told you so's I had earned. I was completely devestated in a way I had never before experienced.

I regretted making the trip to visit my ex. I couldn't fathom what possessed me to behave so stupidly. That was a ridiculous move a younger me would have found some humor in, but the woman.....the mom, I had become was disappointed in myself. What now? I couldn't work with him. I couldn't avoid him forever. We were having a child together. A child that would never get to witness us together or have any memory of how happy we once were. My heart felt so dark and hopeless.

I couldn't understand why I was so destroyed. After all, we had only been dating a few short months. How could I have fallen so hard so quickly? Why didn't I listen to everyone? I knew about his past yet I still felt so unexplainably drawn to him. We weren't married, yet I couldn't have felt more betrayed had we known each other our whole lives. I was embarrassed for my children. How would their friends react if they knew their mother jumped into a marriage that only lasted 4 months, only to get engaged and pregnant by another man so soon after the divorce, and still ended up alone? My self esteem and all feelings of self worth were nonexistent.

I couldn't sleep. I cried constantly. Though I would try to eat because of the baby, I couldn't keep anything down. I felt as if anything and everything that made me me was forever dead. I tried to snap myself out of it. Thinking of my kids seeing me so vulnerable and weak saddened me, but I just couldn't. I soon felt the familiar stomach cramps followed by tiny spots of blood. I knew I had no choice but to go to the hospital. I went next door to get my mother to watch the kids. She put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Dorrenna, I know you're hurting, but enough is enough. Look at yourself. He's a man. No more, no less. He's human just like everyone else. He made a really big mistake. You have to make a decision TODAY. Decide if he's worth it, and if you are capable of ever forgiving him. Then it's simple. You either forgive him or you let him go. Either way, you have to do something and you have to commit to it 100%."

I knew I had to let him know I was going to the hospital but I didn't want to talk to him. Regardless of what was going on, he was so happy about the pregnancy and I didn't doubt his love for the baby. I called up my best friend and explained the situation. I knew he was on her Facebook friends list and would see it if she posted letting everyone know. If I lost the baby, I didn't want the added guilt of purposely keeping from him what was going on.

As soon as I walked in the door, the hospital was paging me to tell me I had a phone call. I hadn't even registered yet. Of course it was him. He kept begging to come but I didn't think I could handle it. I tried to be firm but everyone in the waiting area was listening to my end of the conversation and by now I had started crying again. I wasn't surprised when he showed up anyway. The mere sight of him hurt. The sweet sound of his voice made my heart ache. They admitted me. I was severely dehydrated and lots of tests had to be done. I didn't want to go through another miscarriage. Though, only a few months along, I already loved my baby so very much. I was so scared. All I really wanted was for him to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay, but I knew that would only hurt more in the long run.

He refused to leave. Everytime he would speak, I would start crying. He finally agreed to be quiet if I allowed him to stay. Once they said the baby was stable and it was okay to relax, I started to feel slightly better. I kept thinking about what my mother had said. He pleaded with me relentlessly. I told him I would never be able to trust him again and I couldn't live like that. He swore I would no matter what it took, and vowed to spend every day of the rest of his life fighting to earn it back.

We talked and cried together all night. He explained that he was seeing us both intentionally at first, but continued as time went on because he wasn't sure how to end the other relationship. Of course, I found this to be an extremely poor excuse but accepted that it was honest and better then none. He asked what it would take to prove he was serious. I remembered a conversation we once had about people getting their boyfriend's/girlfriend's name tattooed on them and how insane he thought it was. I told him to get my name tattooed over his heart and I would take him seriously but still would not promise him another chance. He said I was worth the risk and as soon as things calmed down he was going to. It was the 1st time I had been able to laugh. I spent several days in the hospital. He was right there the entire time. By the time I got out, we had agreed to be friends and take it one day at a time.

I told him he could see whomever he wanted and I wouldn't hold it against him concering the baby, and I meant it. He adamantly reinterated that he was going to somehow find a way to win me over. I don't know how much I believed him. For the moment, it didn't matter. Even if we weren't together, just having him near me seemed to ease the emptiness. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew that for whatever reason, he had somehow became a part of me and it was never going to go away.

The Break Up, Part I

Things were looking up. I was on top of the world! I had a job I loved, and was planning a new life with a man who made me happier than anyone else I'd ever known. He persisted with his suggestions about getting married. I still had reservations due to the sting of only recently being divorced.  It got to the point that several times a day, he'd look at me and say, "Marry me". Finally, we were at work one day and I'd had enough. He came up to me and said it again. I asked, "Where's the ring?" Of course he didn't have one. Several minutes later, he asked again. I gave the same answer but turned around to find him down on 1 knee, holding a blue paper clip he had bent into a circle. "Okay, you win," I said. I insisted we needed to save money for the wedding and the new baby, so we decided to worry about a real ring later, but I wore that blue paper clip on my finger just as proudly as a woman with an extravagant diamond.

As time went on, I noticed he started getting extremely jealous. Everytime he saw me talking with other men at work he would accuse me of being interested in them. I tried to "social work" him. I explained that these feelings he was having didn't actually have anything to do with me, but were instead steaming from his own insecurities. I reminded him I was pregnant with his child and had no interest in anyone else. Shortly after he started behaving this way, I received an email at work. Though I have some ideas, I still, to this day, don't know who actually sent it. It was warning me that he was seeing an ex girlfriend behind my back.

Though we had some supporters, we also had a long list of haters. There were many people who couldn't wait to see our new found love fizzle out. I decided not to take the email seriously and figured it was likely meant to cause trouble between us. After all, he spent all his time away from work with me. We proceeded to make wedding plans. We decided on an October wedding at The Breaks Interstate Park on the Ky and Va border. We choose an over look with a beautiful view and an indoor reception. We paid the deposit and began looking for fall decorations.

Due to my age, prior surgeries, and previous miscarriage, I was a high risk pregnancy. He went to every ob appointment and was constantly trying to do little things to take care of me. By now his son and my children had gotten to know one another and though, still early, we were starting to feel like a family.

It was hard to believe such a short time ago, I would sneak him in after they went to sleep, then wake him up and make him go down the road and park somewhere until they left for school, because I wasn't yet ready for him to meet them. He never once complained or questioned how long I was going to insist he continue. He just got up at the break of day and slept beside the road in his car until I texted him the all clear. Now we were planning a wedding and he had decided to move in.

It was now late September, and only a couple of weeks away from the big day. I had just gotten ready for work when I heard a knock at my door. You can imagine my shock when I found his ex girlfriend standing on my porch. She wasn't a stranger. We had worked together for a few months when they dated. I invited her in and she proceeded to provide me with a realization that changed my life. She came prepared. She had an arsenal of messages, call logs, voice mails, pictures, and even videos that proved they had very actively been together the entire time.

Now, by this point in my life, I considered myself to be a veteran at break ups, especially those that entailed cheating boyfriends. I had been through some really bad ones in my day. I was no stranger to crying myself to sleep, feeling inadequate, and analyzing every detail trying to figure out if it was something I had done. However, I had moved on from all that and had grown, or so I thouhht. I had built walls that would make Donald Trump blush with envy, but nothing.....nothing prepared me for this.

I immediately went to confront him. He refused to admit it. I made several failed attempts to slap him. Anger and betrayal rushed through me. I was completely irrational and didn't care. Remembering his jealous rants, I made a very stupid attempt to get even by calling up an old boyfriend in front of him. He stood there quietly and listened to my call as I explained I needed someone to talk to and wanted to come see him. I got directions and stormed out of there with him pleading for me to not go.

I went home, gathered everything that belonged to him and threw it in my yard. There were clothes, cds, video games, pictures, and every love note we'd ever written one another. I then set out to travel across 2 counties to see this guy I hadn't spoken to in years. This was not just any old boyfriend. This was the one that wrecked my world in my early 20's, the one that set the mark for all relationships thereafter, and the one that I would remember every time my life got hard and I needed a push to go on. I would picture his face, remember the pain and think, "I survived that, I can do this!" Just picturing his face wasn't going to work this time. I had to look him in the eyes and remember how strong I was.

I pulled in and he got into my car. I was surprised at how different he looked. I immediately began explaining what had happened. He offered words of encouragement but they fell on deaf ears. I had always wondered what it would be like to see him again. I was surprised at how uninterested I was in anything he had to say. I realized he had no power over me anymore, and I was on my own this time. I told him I had to get home to my kids and thanked him for listening. He asked for my number and I gave him one I knew he couldn't reach me at. As he got out of the car, he leaned in to try to kiss me. I quickly turned my head and he stopped short of my cheek. I turned back in time to see the look of genuine surprise on his face. He hadn't changed at all. Still as smug and arrogant as ever. Driving home I couldn't fathom what I'd ever seen in him. Who tries to kiss a pregnant woman anyway? This guy I used to think of as everything I ever wanted but was never good enough for was suddenly repulsive and beneath me. Since knowing him, I had put myself through 4 years of college and had then gained several years of real world professional experience. He was exactly the same, it was the way I looked at him that had changed. He didn't matter any more and I was no longer that girl.

I got home and of course he was waiting. I'm sure my neighbors were entertained by my reaction and by the roses he had recently bought me flying off the porch, barely missing his head. I refused to talk to him. I deleted all voice mails he left on my phone and blocked him on social media. My instincts were now in charge. That's what I had learned. When you truly want to get over somone you don't peddle school girl ideas of them changing or entertain some random fantasy of you being the one them loosing somehow awakening a new found moral compass inside them. You avoid them and begin envisioning your future without them. I could teach a class on how to get over someone. I tried to change my mindset to just forget all the plans we'd made for our lives together and told myself that the person I fell in love with never existed because I never really knew the real him. All the things I taught myself that would be helpful. Only.....this wasn't like all the others and I knew it. This was deeper and caught my guard down. I immediately knew that as the years of my life passed and I looked back, this was now the only one that would matter.

Rainbow Baby

We had just returned from the weekend getaway that really sealed the deal for us as a couple. We had been dating a couple of months by now, and couldn't get enough of each other. He asked if I ever wanted to get married again. Married? No no no..not going down that road again for a long time, if ever. Aside from that, it was way too soon for that discussion.

I had reoccurring spots of dysplasia on my cervix that I had endured several surgeries to have removed over the years. I had an upcoming appointment with my gynecologist to worry about. There'd be plenty of time later to focus on this marriage stuff later. I had somewhat contributed a previous visit as a factor in my divorce. He had no children of his own and wanted them badly. We learned shortly after our marriage the scar tissue from my previous surgeries would prevent me from ever having another child, so I wasn't looking forward to going back.

Sure enough, my doctor informed me he saw something during the exam but was very vague. I would have to come back in 2 weeks for another, to see if it had changed. I saw another surgery in my future. What wasn't he telling me? We had continued to get closer after our trip. I thought it was so sweet when he offered to go back with me for my follow up appointment. He could see I was frightened.

Well, it hadn't gone away. In fact, it had grown. Imagine my surprise to learn it wasn't dysplasia after all, but instead, a baby! Yep, we had apparently returned from our trip with a little souvenir. My doctor was as shocked as I was. I was 32 years old. Life had been hard as a single mom of 2 kids, who were now 9 and 13, let alone 3! I was scared. Already being the father of an 8 year old boy, he just kept expressing how badly he also had always wanted a girl.

What were people going to say? How could anyone take me seriously as a professional when I had allowed my own life to get so out of control? Within 6 months, I had gotten married, divorced, and was now pregnant by my new, controversial boyfriend. What were my children going to think? 3 months ago, I was explaining to them why their stepfather was moving out, and now I had to explain they were going to have a new sibling! What kind of mother was I? I felt wreckless and a little ashamed. 

I told my daughter 1st. We had a very good relationship and I couldn't keep something like this from her long. She was happy. I told her how I was feeling and that it was okay to tell me if she had reservations of her own. She then reminded me that a few years earlier, we were having a similar conversation. It was something I had only shared with her and a couple of close friends. Most of my family, including my son, didn't even know.

I had become pregnant and the father had begged me to have an abortion.  I have always been very pro life and was very offended and hurt at the suggestion. I was depressed, and terrified. Crazy as it sounds, alot of my friends had been going to a psychic and were very impressed with her accuracy. Scared and confussed about where my life was going, I decided to give it a try. She immediately told me I was pregnant. I lost it and began crying uncontrolably. She reassured me and told me my baby was going to be fine. She said she saw me with not 1, but 2 little girls. I explained my other daughter was much older and together we concluded the 2nd little girl must have been the daughter of a close friend of mine. I left feeling better and was begining to not only accept but to be happy about the pregnancy.

Unfortunately, I soon found myself in the hospital. The baby was unable to attach and a miscarriage was inevitable. They sent me home the day before my birthday to wait for it to happen. I laid in bed praying all day the next day. I immediately regretted those previous feelings. Though only 2 weeks along, I had felt she was a girl even before the psychic had told me so and had decided to name her Arabella. December 9th, the day after my birthday, I forced myself to get up and start my day. Just as they described, the baby was gone. It was a grim reminder that all babies are truly a gift from God, regardless of your circumstances and should be celebrated. I felt tremendous guilt for not being happy about the pregnancy in the begining and wondered if that is why God had taken her back. I was angry with the psychic and wondered how she could have known I was pregnant but been so wrong about the outcome. I wondered if God was punishing me for having faith in her vision instead of turning to him and knowing he would get me through as he always had.

I now realized he was giving me another chance. I would celebrate this child the way all new babies should be celebrated and have faith that everything was going to work out. After all, things could be worse. Why look at my life negatively when I was in an exciting new relationship and completely in love? I wasn't married, but I made a good living and had even managed to buy a home as a single mom. Now I was being blessed with another child. Against all odds....my rainbow baby.

Everything was moving fast and I embraced my new life wholeheartedly. Who cares what people thought. We were happy and that was all that mattered. Suddenly, marriage wasn't sounding so bad.

Love in the Workplace

Social Services is a mentally exhausting place to work. Day after day of seeing and hearing real life cases of the misery and suffering that some children come to know as everyday life can really takes it's toll on you. I had invested nearly 3 years of my life to it, and was completely burnt out. I was so excited and relieved when I found out I had been chosen for a new job I applied for, but had no idea what a big part it would play in my destiny. I remember my 1st day well. After the initial introductions to everyday procedures, I was asked to shadow a worker at the front desk. I was single, and noticed he was attractive and not wearing a ring, but quickly ruled out any interest as I immediately noticed he was a complete jerk. He had just met me, yet continuously made fun of my accent with every other sentence that came out of his mouth. I remember meeting a good friend from my previous job after work that day. She asked all about my new job, and being single herself, asked if I had met any cute guys. I remember telling her there was 1 guy but he was obnoxious. A few months later, he went through a very public break up. At 1st, I took full advantage of his vulnerability to get revenge for the way he had treated me with a few sharp sarcastic comments about the situation, that I knew I could get away with because we had started to become friends. He was a good sport about it and it somehow lead to some minor, innocent flirting. Soon after that, one particular night we ran into one another and started talking. It had evolved into an odd friendship that consisted mainly of being brutally honest with one another about our lives. We got into a heated discussion and before we knew what was going on, we kissed. We both immediately realized it was a mistake. We were not interested in one another at all. We agreed it was because of stress on both sides and agreed to never discuss it again. Shortly after, an old boyfriend came back into my life. We dated a few short months and decided to get married. I hadn't thought about that kiss since the day it happened, until I was standing in my reception line with my new husband, thanking our guests for coming. When he and his date got to the front of the line, I froze. The kiss flashed through my mind and I was unsure what was appropriate. Should I shake his hand or just nod in his direction? Still lost in this thought I soon found myself wrapped in his arms as he had decided for me and leaned in for a hug. As he moved on down the line, I kept laughing at myself in my mind at how ridiculous I was. That kiss meant nothing. It was old news. We had both moved on from it and there was no reason to let it make me uncomfortable. I dismissed it once again. Fortunately, my marriage was short lived. It had only been 4 months and it was drastically deteriorating. He too was once again going through a very bad public break up. We had been working closely together alot and had by this time become very close friends. We continued to advise one another on our situations. About 2 weeks before my husband offically moved out, he was half kidding around and suggested maybe I should just end it and we should get together. We had a good, innocent laugh about it. He had by this time developed the reputation of being a player, deservingly so, and looking at the possibility of being single again, I knew that would be the stupidest thing I could do. I was too smart for that. I frowned upon looking for love in the workplace and all the drama it entailed. I teased him by reminding him that I had years of experience with his kind and couldn't be played so it would never work. "What I want is unrealistic", I told him. "I want what only happens in the movies." We again had a good laugh, both knowing the other was partially serious. Over the next couple of weeks these conversations continued. He looked at my rejection as a challenge, and as the days went by, the charm thickened. I was at work on his day off when my cell phone rang. It was the call I had known was coming. My husband was leaving and wanted to start divorce proceedings immediately. I was relieved. We both realized we were trying to build a marriage on the memories we shared years ago, and we just weren't those people any more. I felt bad, not because I was going to miss him, but because this made 2 failed marriages, and once again, I was on my own. I was pretty down. For a good laugh, I called him up. I wanted to see his reaction if I called his bluff. It was unusual for us to talk outside of work, so the call probably surprised him. He answered, and I said, "Well... he's gone." Silence.......I was smiling so big. I had done it. I called him out on all his big talk and he had nothing to say. When we hung up, I thought, what is wrong with you. Your marriage of only 4 months just ended and you're smiling cause you think you've out done this guy who has no genuine interest in you what so ever. You have more important things to worry about. I thought I had shown him, and that would be the end of it. I was very wrong. My smugness quickly disappeared when he continued to pursue me. Everything in me told me he was bad news, yet though I wouldn't show it, he was wearing me down. My divorce was finalized quickly. I ran into him at Walmart after work one night. He followed me to the parking lot. I was trying to load my groceries when he took over, and patiently listened to my rant about why it would never work as he loaded them for me. Somewhere between we're just too different and dating people you work with is a bad idea, I felt his hand on mine. I looked up to find him very close to me and like clockwork, a gentle rain started. "I can show you what would happen in the movies," he said, as he leaned in and kissed me. I was done. We soon began dating quietly. I was freshly divorced and his social life was already the center of gossip at work because of his prior 2 relationships. Sneaking around was fun. At work we were good friends and after work and on days off we would go out to places we didn't think we'd run into anyone. We developed little signals only the other knew. 1 strong sniff in the air meant I love you. I made fun of him and told him I wasn't stupid enough to believe he was in love with me and played him the song "Anything but Mine", by Kenny Chesney. It talks about a couple at the beach in a new relationship. It goes,

"In the midst of the music, I tell her I love her, but we both laugh, cause we know it isn't true."

This became our 1st song. The more we listened to it, the more we talked about going to the beach. We decided to take a weekend and get away. It was time to make a decision about where this was going once and for all. We made the 9 hour trip to First Landing State Park in Virginia Beach, and set up a tent for the weekend. We had just arrived and I was setting up the the campsite. He went to get some firewood. I was literally up in a tree trying to hang a clothes line when he pulled up frantically calling my name. He ran up and yanked me down, practically dragged me to the car. He wouldn't explain what was going on, but our site was just down from the bay so we weren't in the car long before arriving there. He runs around, jerks my door open, and drags me by the hand up a wooden walkway. As we neared the top, I could see the bay and the most incredible sunset I have ever seen. It's beauty was incomparable to anything I had ever witnessed aside from the faces of my children. It was easy to see this was something extaordinary. We stood there, holding hands and taking in this glorious site. I looked up at him, and it clicked. I knew at that moment, despite my best efforts, I was in love with him, and I was in big trouble. We've been back to First Landing many times since that day, trying to recreate the experience. We've never been able to. Either it's cloudy or the circumstances are just not right to create the indescribable colors that over took the sky that day or the overwhelming reavalation my heart felt. So many things fell into place so perfectly. Had we decided to go somewhere else, or arrived at a different time, who knows where we'd be now without the sunset that changed it all. We returned from that trip, offically a couple, with that day forever burned into our souls. I was sniffing the air so much after that trip my coworkers probably thought I was on cocaine. After we were married we took every opportunity to vacation at Virginia Beach. 4 years and 2 babies later, we have moved here. A vacation spot to millions, but to us it will always to us be a place of magic, hope, and new beginnings, that took us from love in the workplace to happily ever after.

Get Your GropeOn

WARNING: PG Suggestive Content. Not appropriate for young readers.

We were still newbies to city life, but quickly adjusting. My husband had settled in at his new job, which had good days and bad. Though he enjoyed being outdoors, the manual labor was exhausting. A tropical storm had passed through the area, leaving downed branches, mud, and flooding in some areas. That along with the continuous rain and wind made for a particularly tough week. I really wanted to do something nice for this man who had been working so hard and recently had a birthday he more or less skipped due to the chaos of getting settled and the money strain. I received a coupon from Groupon to take an extra $10 off any service or product of $20 or more. Neither of us had ever had a professional massage and I remembered he once mentioned he might like to try it. I found a special for $20 for 1 hour. I quickly ordered it and was so proud of myself for being a good, yet thrifty wife. He was so excited. The next day I took our two girls and walked around the local shops while we waited for their presumably relaxed daddy to finish up. He met me back at our truck, pale as a ghost. He was trying to drive us home by following the gps because we still weren't familiar with the area. He was so distraught he eventually had to pull over after realizing he'd made several wrong turns. He went on to explain that his masseuse had a very thick accent and was difficult to understand. He was sweating by this point. He then explained that everything was fine until near the end. He was a bit uncomfortable in the towel but had managed to relax and had about 15 minutes left of his service when the young lady asked him to roll over. He then awkwardly rolled over but saw nothing unusual about this as he was still fully covered with the towel. She then proceeded to tuck the towel around him similarly to the way a diaper would fit. At this point he was feeling a bit silly, but knew his time was almost up and nothing was exposed, so he just closed his eyes, trying to relax. He then heard her say, "You want this?" He assumed she meant to continue what she was doing and said, "Yeah, that's fine." He realized he was mistaken when she followed up with, "40 dollar cash." He opened his eyes to see what she was referring to, knowing we had already paid for the full hour on Groupon. She then pointed to his private area and repeated, "You want this? $40 cash. ATM outside." He then quickly said "No, No, I don't want that!" He said she grew very quiet and awkwardly continued the massage. He spent the remainder of the session replaying the conversation in his head, trying to determine if there was any way he could be mistaken, but was pretty convinced by her demeanor for the remainder of the time that he was correct. So his mind then wondered to who had been on that table before him and how thoroughly she had washed her hands. As soon as she left the room, he rushed to get dressed and tried to exit as quickly as possible. The lady at the desk stopped him and held up a chart with 3 tipping options. He was so shook up he just told her it didn't matter and didn't realize until later looking at the receipt that he had tipped her $20, when the massage was only $10. He made us go straight home so he could shower. After he calmed down, he was upset with me, the good thrifty wife, for sending him there. He eventually forgave me. Poor guy. Though it was quite funny, I really did feel bad. We contemplated contacting law enforcement and reporting it, but decided not to just in case it was a misunderstanding caused by the language barrier, which is the same reason I didn't list their name here. I'm sure they have many reputable businesses on their site, but I don't think we'll be using GropeOn anytime soon.

A Teary Goodbye

After campground hopping for 3 weeks while apartment hunting, we returned to Ky to retrieve our things and park our little camper. It was bittersweet. It was hard saying goodbye to our family, especially my sweet stepson, who was so disappointed he couldn't accompany his Nana and Papaw who were going to follow us up to help us get settled. It was a very hectic and busy morning. We had been staying in the camper while in town, so it had to be emptied out and packed up last minute. We spent the few days we were there emptying 1 of the 2 storage units we had rented to store our belongings. The Uhaul had to be picked up that morning and loaded. Anything we weren't taking had to be moved to the other unit or my mother in law's attic. We were so busy, I hadn't had time to really stop and take note of how I felt. We were way behind schedule. I kept it all together until the last minute. The last goodbye. My daughter. The one person in the world who had literally been by my side since I was only a girl because I had her so young. Our lives together flashed through my mind. All the crappy relationships she watched me go through as a single mom. All the nights I couldn't handle what I'd seen at work that day and she saw me cry. All the financial hardships. Seeing me frantically trying to get our personal belongings out of our car when it was being repossessed. Praying with me when we realized we were going to loose our home and not sure what to do. She saw me walk around numb, in a zombie like, sleep deprived state when I was pregnant with her little sister and trying to stay at the hospital with my own mom who was dieing of Cancer. She'd seen me fail over and over, yet she loved and respected me anyway. I remembered looking for her in the crowd when I was accepting my college diploma. She and my son were sitting with the parents of a friend I had made that was also graduating because I had no other family of my own attend. I saw her beautiful smile when I asked her to be my Maid of Honor in my wedding. I thought of late night heart to hearts and making pancakes at 3 a.m. I remembered the day she came to me and asked if my husband would consider adopting her. She was all gown up. I knew when I left that day things would never be the same. We were each embarking on our own adventures, and for the first time.... separately. I've never in my life felt so conflicted. I felt fear and worry about if she'd be okay on her own with me so far away, but proud of her ambition and excited for where this world was taking her. I felt a true sense of loss yet so much gratitude for these memories that had built this indestructible relationship between us. I thought alot during that long car ride. I wondered if she realized how broken my heart was, if I had been a good mother, and if she truly understood how very much I loved her. Was she scared too? It's been 3 months and I still have not yet been able to see her again. I talk with her on the phone, but it's just not the same. I knew during that teary goodbye I was going to miss my daughter desperately. What I didn't realize, is I would also miss the best friend I would ever have. If you're reading this, I miss you my sweet Charity.

Kids These Days

We always thought we knew our daughter's friends. We were close with our daughter and she spoke of them daily. We knew about little riffs that occurred within their close little group and who was crushing on who. With 5 children, we've always led a very hectic life and though she would have them over on occassion, it was often too chaotic for company. When they did visit, they would retreat to her room which was the only place in the house they could get privacy. It was her senior year when different events such as Homecoming, Prom, Graduation, etc, really seemed to bring them around more. They were old enough to drive now and would pick her up and drop her back off, often talking a little with us here and there. But it wasn't until we realized we were moving out of the area that we really got to see what these kids were all about. We had been renting a large 3 bedroom home complete with a full unfinished basement storage space, which we fully utilized. I talked about our decision to move in previous blogs, so I won't go back into that in detail, but needless to say, the decision was made quickly and on an incredibly tight budget. We had a matter of days to get our stuff moved out and into storage and then clean the home. Sounds easy enough right? Wrong. EVERYTHING had to be gone through. We had items belonging to 7 different people on top of furniture, dishes, toys, and a little of everything. We were moving with my husband's truck instead of renting a moving truck to save money. My mother in law was a tremendous help with my 4 year old, but our 1 year old was still nursing and very clingy to mama making it impossible to accomplish anything. We weren't going to make it out in time. That's when it happened. My daughter's friends, 1 by 1, started showing up and offering help. They knew our circumstances prevented us from being able to pay them and yet for several days they continued to come back. I don't mean they packed a box here and there or wiped a counter. I mean these 18-19 year old kids, who could have been out doing what they love, chose instead, to spend day after day of their last summer break before college, getting up early, packing and loading boxes, moving heavy furniture, and wiping down walls, without even being asked to. While they helped we got to talk with them more and ended up learning more about them in that week then we had in all 4 years they attended high school with our daughter. It was so easy to see why she loved them so dearly. They were funny, compassionate, and personable. They told us about their dreams and plans for the future. These weren't the lazy, entitled youth social media memes love to boast. We already knew they were good kids, but what we realized was they were so much more then that. They worked harder then most adults I know. They worked until late at night. They went home tired and sweaty, yet still showed back up the next day, still tired and sore. I truly don't know what we would have done without them. We were in such a hard spot, and their selfless gesture was so humbling. It deeply saddened me that we had missed out on so much time with these incredible young adults. It has become 1 of my deepest regrets that we missed out on so many opportunities and were now leaving. Every time I see a post on Facebook or a reference on tv referring to the integrity of today's youth, I think of them and smile because if they are a reflection of 'kids these days', I think we're gonna be alright.

Sincere thanks to my daughter Charity, and her friends Shiann, Dakota, Luke, and Brandon.

Photo Credit: Jayne Holbrook Butcher 

Move to the Beach and Never Look Back!

Chances are, unless you already live there, at least once you've contemplated or dreamed about moving to the beach and never looking back. My husband and I always vacationed at Virginia Beach because it's a very sentimental place for us. It's where we fell in love and our story began. We dreamed of one day retiring there. Both raised in a small town in Eastern Ky, even visiting the beach was no small feat. It involved driving 9 hours with very small children and an even smaller budget. Every time things got really hard, which was quite often, we'd remind ourselves that one day we'd be lying on our beach. In July we were really discouraged. Things had been particularly hard financially. Our oldest child had been accepted and making preperations to attend college. The job I had taken that permitted me to work from home and avoid putting our baby in day care was a contract position and would soon be ending only adding to the financial pressure. We loved the home we'd been renting but knew with the limited amount of available jobs in our remote area we wouldn't be able to afford to remain there long. My husband had been under a tremendous amount of stress at work and learned the promotion he had long been awaiting was never coming. What could we do? Finally, the stress got the better of us and we lost our minds, or so our loved one's thought. I told my husband, "You only live once. We can struggle at the beach just as well as we can here, and surly there are more jobs available there". We had nothing to loose. Other people lived where we would spend all year scrambling to save enough money to visit. The more we talked about it the less crazy it sounded. We pulled my retirement and used it to buy a used camper to stay in temporarily because we had no idea what neighborhood to even begin looking in. We owned a truck and a car that were paid for but soon learned the truck wasn't big enough to pull the camper. We had already moved nearly everything out of our house and into storage. We pulled into a car lot, explained our dilema, and traded both our vehicles to a truck that came with a hefty payment. It was the only one we even test drove. We simply didn't have time to shop around because we didn't want to loose the money we already paid to reserve the campground. It was like we were living in a movie. Everything was happening so fast! It was such a hard decision to make. Leaving meant not getting to see my stepson, who lives with his mother, or my daughter in college as often, and my young daughters weren't going to get to see their grandparents as much. Staying meant never knowing if a better life awaited with the opportunity to finally be able to provide a good life for our kids. We knew we just couldn't continue the way we had been going and ever expect to succeed. My husband was able to find work almost immediately! We soon found an apartment in a safe neighborhood. Being 4 minutes from 1 of several malls compared to the 2 hours we were used to and the variety of activities and restaurants is amazing. Unfortunately, money is still incredibly tight, and we miss our family terribly. We still don't really know anyone in the area. No date nights or any alone time for that matter really made us realize how much we took their Nana for granted. It's still too soon to know for sure if we made the right decision but how can we insist our children follow their dreams and create their own destiny if we don't lead by example? Life's too short for what ifs and maybe somedays. Even if we fail, at least we gave it our best shot, and that they can be proud of.

My Modern Family

The days of society frowning on divorce seem to have given way to a new era where everyone is free to love whomever they choose. The face of the modern day family has now evolved into blended families such as my own, single parent families, families of various racial and ethnic backgrounds, and some featuring same gender parents. Here's a little insight into ours. My husband and I met at work. It was safe to say it was not love at first sight. I couldn't stand him, and he was not charmed by my thick Eastern Ky accent, to say the least. I soon went through a divorce, and we somehow ended up spending alot of time together, working the same shifts, etc. Before I knew what hit me, I looked up and this guy I once found obnoxious was now completely irresistible. We decided to take our 1st trip together. I had only seen the ocean once and we determined the closest beach to us was a 9 hour trip to Virginia Beach, (more on this trip later ;-). My husband was blessed with an amazing son from a previous relationship, but had always dreamed he'd also have a little girl. We'll, needless to say, we brought home a little souvenir from the trip that was going to forever change our lives. We decided to name her Virginia since that was not only his grandmother's name, but also where we fell in love. She was 1 month old when we got married and made the most adorable flower girl any bride could ask for. Like a whirlwind my life was completely different. In less then a year I went from being a depressed single mother of 2, convinnced I was destined to live out the rest of my days alone, to being a completely love stricken new wife and now mother of 4! Looking back I still smile when I close my eyes and remember that day.

Leave a comment and let us know what your modern family looks like or post your favorite wedding pic!

Photo credits to Malissa Shireman and Tammy Haney.


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