We've all been there at one time or another. You go through a couple of bad break ups and you get a little cocky, thinking you've finally got the dating thing figured out. Once you get cheated on a couple of times, you start making rules for yourself. Some try to stop getting attached or to harden their hearts. I had refused to make assumptions about all men based on my experiences and chose to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but my rule was to never waste more time or energy on them after.
Here I was, breaking my own rule, extremely cautiously. The inevitable happened. I became the crazy girlfriend no one wants to be. Not the hot kind of crazy, but the jealous, obsessive, and needy kind. I didn't focus on the possibility of him cheating again nearly as much as I did on determining to make sure to know about it when he did.
I made sure to know where he was and what he was doing every second of every day. I would call him up and ask where he was, then make him buy something and compare the time on the receipt to the time I had spoken with him when he got home. I regularly checked all his social media, emails, call logs, voice mails and would pop in anywhere he happened to be that I wasn't. I insisted he go to therapy in case there was some underlying issue that caused the behavior to avoid it happening again later. This went on for a couple of months. He never once complained.
Despite each day bringing new confidence in trusting him, I was driving myself crazy. My self esteem was non existent. Though I knew better, I was obsessed with figuring out if something was wrong with me. Was there something he needed that I had somehow came up short on? I constantly compared myself to her. She was beautiful, and very adventurous relating to their relationship. Though a bit wild when I was younger, motherhood had tamed me. I thought I was boring and plain. I truly loved him and actually questioned if there were things he needed that he would never have because he had chose this life with me.
Finally, we went back to my doctor for another ultrasound. Everything looked okay but I was eventually going to have to have a procedure to temporarily sew my cervix together to avoid miscarriage. He confirmed what we had known in our hearts all along. I was carrying the baby girl he had always wanted. I saw the look in his eyes and I knew at that moment we would never be able to go on like this. I decided it was time to force myself to start having faith in him again. That was the only way it would ever work and we both needed it to so desperately.
I gradually forced myself to stop checking up on him. It was hard. I was scared, but since I was a little girl, I dreamed of someday being in a marriage built on trust, and regardless of what I had been through, I'd come to far to let go of that dream. I deserved it. My children deserved it. I had to trust him. If he failed me it wouldn't be because I wasn't looking. It would be because he wasn't capable of changing. I was determined for our baby to come into this world welcomed by that family of my childhood dreams, and each day, I got a little closer.
He still to this day thanks me now and again for not giving up on him and not giving up on us. We have our fights and our habits that drive each other crazy, but in the end, it was the best decision I have ever made. He was the exception to my rule, and I was the exception to his past. There was life after heartbreak. While it's true that you can't change someone, it doesn't mean they can't change themselves. We make decisions every day that determine who we are going to be in this life. They have to recognize you're worth it. For some reason, the other's didn't, but I'm living proof, the one that matters will.
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