Slowly days passed. Each and every one filled with new attempts on his part to change my mind. Once a cheater, always a cheater. That was what I had always found to be true, and the last thing I needed was to go through this again. I couldn't survive it. He spent alot of time with me, using the pregnancy and my recovering health as an excuse, insisting he was being a good friend as we had agreed. I had a follow up appointment and he went with me. Though still high risk, things looked good for now.
We talked.....alot. I was honest about how I felt. I told him I felt like everything had been a lie and he had only wanted to get married because of the baby. I told him how small and worthless I felt. I emphasized how I wanted nothing more then to be able to move on without him and wasn't sure why I couldn't. He continued to insist I was wrong, and to try to convince me that something was very different on his end as well, that he too was unable to explain.
He gave me the passwords to all his social media accounts, email, Verizon records, etc. Nothing really helped. Then, believe it or not, he actually did get my name tattooed across his heart. I thought he was crazy, but somehow, this changed everything. The fact that this was something he felt so strongly about in general, combined with him knowing there was no guarantee I would ever take him back, and he actually did it anyway, really got to me. It wasn't a small tattoo either. The text of my 8 letter name was quite large. This was the most grand gesture anyone had ever done for me. On one hand I couldn't believe he was serious enough to do something so ludicrous. On the other hand, I was still truly broken inside. I honestly didn't think I was repairable. I felt like something inside me was lost and I would never be able to fix it. That spunk and light that once filled my heart was gone. I had no fight left in me.
Finally, I asked the only question that mattered. You say I am different from these other women. How do you know? I expected some cheesy, generic answer about us being meant to be and not being able to live without me. Instead, he started crying. "I missed you", he said. "I missed every single thing about you. You are the only woman I ever lost, that I regretted so much it changed everything. I can't concentrate on anything else, except how to make it better. When I saw you at that hospital, it physically hurt me to see you in so much pain. I hate myself for putting you through this. Please don't give up on me. Please! I need you like I've never needed anyone. Just give me 1 more chance. I'll do anything!"
We were both sobbing uncontrolably by now, and my mother's words rang loudly in my memory as my heart pounded. "I know you don't think I can do it. I know I don't deserve it, but please just let me try." I cried and thought silently while I listened. "I'm not just in love with you. I love you.... only you, in the forever kind of way. I can't make you understand how sorry I am that I hurt you, but if you just give me a chance, I promise I will show you, and I will never let anyone ever hurt you again".
Was I really crazy enough to take him back? Yes. I honestly didn't think it would work. Despite his words I so desperately wanted to belive, I really didn't think he had it in him to be faithful to 1 woman. I didn't think people were capable of changing their nature, but every fiber of my being knew that if there was ever a time I would regret not knowing for sure, it was now. It wasn't going to be easy. It wasn't going to be quick. It was going to be excruciating for both of us, but my mother was right. People make mistakes. We're all human. We screw up. Some learn and grow, while others buy time and say anything they have to in order to get the chance to make another. How do you know the difference? You don't. You make a decision, commit to it 100%, and wait. I had made mine. If it didn't work, I had lost nothing more than I already had. If I didn't try, I stood to loose and would never know, everything that may have been. The only thing I knew for sure in that moment was......he was worth it.
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