We had just returned from the weekend getaway that really sealed the deal for us as a couple. We had been dating a couple of months by now, and couldn't get enough of each other. He asked if I ever wanted to get married again. Married? No no no..not going down that road again for a long time, if ever. Aside from that, it was way too soon for that discussion.
I had reoccurring spots of dysplasia on my cervix that I had endured several surgeries to have removed over the years. I had an upcoming appointment with my gynecologist to worry about. There'd be plenty of time later to focus on this marriage stuff later. I had somewhat contributed a previous visit as a factor in my divorce. He had no children of his own and wanted them badly. We learned shortly after our marriage the scar tissue from my previous surgeries would prevent me from ever having another child, so I wasn't looking forward to going back.
Sure enough, my doctor informed me he saw something during the exam but was very vague. I would have to come back in 2 weeks for another, to see if it had changed. I saw another surgery in my future. What wasn't he telling me? We had continued to get closer after our trip. I thought it was so sweet when he offered to go back with me for my follow up appointment. He could see I was frightened.
Well, it hadn't gone away. In fact, it had grown. Imagine my surprise to learn it wasn't dysplasia after all, but instead, a baby! Yep, we had apparently returned from our trip with a little souvenir. My doctor was as shocked as I was. I was 32 years old. Life had been hard as a single mom of 2 kids, who were now 9 and 13, let alone 3! I was scared. Already being the father of an 8 year old boy, he just kept expressing how badly he also had always wanted a girl.
What were people going to say? How could anyone take me seriously as a professional when I had allowed my own life to get so out of control? Within 6 months, I had gotten married, divorced, and was now pregnant by my new, controversial boyfriend. What were my children going to think? 3 months ago, I was explaining to them why their stepfather was moving out, and now I had to explain they were going to have a new sibling! What kind of mother was I? I felt wreckless and a little ashamed.
I told my daughter 1st. We had a very good relationship and I couldn't keep something like this from her long. She was happy. I told her how I was feeling and that it was okay to tell me if she had reservations of her own. She then reminded me that a few years earlier, we were having a similar conversation. It was something I had only shared with her and a couple of close friends. Most of my family, including my son, didn't even know.
I had become pregnant and the father had begged me to have an abortion. I have always been very pro life and was very offended and hurt at the suggestion. I was depressed, and terrified. Crazy as it sounds, alot of my friends had been going to a psychic and were very impressed with her accuracy. Scared and confussed about where my life was going, I decided to give it a try. She immediately told me I was pregnant. I lost it and began crying uncontrolably. She reassured me and told me my baby was going to be fine. She said she saw me with not 1, but 2 little girls. I explained my other daughter was much older and together we concluded the 2nd little girl must have been the daughter of a close friend of mine. I left feeling better and was begining to not only accept but to be happy about the pregnancy.
Unfortunately, I soon found myself in the hospital. The baby was unable to attach and a miscarriage was inevitable. They sent me home the day before my birthday to wait for it to happen. I laid in bed praying all day the next day. I immediately regretted those previous feelings. Though only 2 weeks along, I had felt she was a girl even before the psychic had told me so and had decided to name her Arabella. December 9th, the day after my birthday, I forced myself to get up and start my day. Just as they described, the baby was gone. It was a grim reminder that all babies are truly a gift from God, regardless of your circumstances and should be celebrated. I felt tremendous guilt for not being happy about the pregnancy in the begining and wondered if that is why God had taken her back. I was angry with the psychic and wondered how she could have known I was pregnant but been so wrong about the outcome. I wondered if God was punishing me for having faith in her vision instead of turning to him and knowing he would get me through as he always had.
I now realized he was giving me another chance. I would celebrate this child the way all new babies should be celebrated and have faith that everything was going to work out. After all, things could be worse. Why look at my life negatively when I was in an exciting new relationship and completely in love? I wasn't married, but I made a good living and had even managed to buy a home as a single mom. Now I was being blessed with another child. Against all odds....my rainbow baby.
Everything was moving fast and I embraced my new life wholeheartedly. Who cares what people thought. We were happy and that was all that mattered. Suddenly, marriage wasn't sounding so bad.
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