Days passed and anger quickly faded into agony. I fought. I fought hard to let realism guide me and to find a place within myself I could obtain a positive outlook for my future. My entire world had completely crashed down. I longed for him. I grieved for him. I grieved for the future we had planned together for our baby. I was embarrassed because I felt like such a fool. I couldn't bring myself to face everyone at work. I couldn't handle the shame I felt or face any I told you so's I had earned. I was completely devestated in a way I had never before experienced.
I regretted making the trip to visit my ex. I couldn't fathom what possessed me to behave so stupidly. That was a ridiculous move a younger me would have found some humor in, but the woman.....the mom, I had become was disappointed in myself. What now? I couldn't work with him. I couldn't avoid him forever. We were having a child together. A child that would never get to witness us together or have any memory of how happy we once were. My heart felt so dark and hopeless.
I couldn't understand why I was so destroyed. After all, we had only been dating a few short months. How could I have fallen so hard so quickly? Why didn't I listen to everyone? I knew about his past yet I still felt so unexplainably drawn to him. We weren't married, yet I couldn't have felt more betrayed had we known each other our whole lives. I was embarrassed for my children. How would their friends react if they knew their mother jumped into a marriage that only lasted 4 months, only to get engaged and pregnant by another man so soon after the divorce, and still ended up alone? My self esteem and all feelings of self worth were nonexistent.
I couldn't sleep. I cried constantly. Though I would try to eat because of the baby, I couldn't keep anything down. I felt as if anything and everything that made me me was forever dead. I tried to snap myself out of it. Thinking of my kids seeing me so vulnerable and weak saddened me, but I just couldn't. I soon felt the familiar stomach cramps followed by tiny spots of blood. I knew I had no choice but to go to the hospital. I went next door to get my mother to watch the kids. She put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Dorrenna, I know you're hurting, but enough is enough. Look at yourself. He's a man. No more, no less. He's human just like everyone else. He made a really big mistake. You have to make a decision TODAY. Decide if he's worth it, and if you are capable of ever forgiving him. Then it's simple. You either forgive him or you let him go. Either way, you have to do something and you have to commit to it 100%."
I knew I had to let him know I was going to the hospital but I didn't want to talk to him. Regardless of what was going on, he was so happy about the pregnancy and I didn't doubt his love for the baby. I called up my best friend and explained the situation. I knew he was on her Facebook friends list and would see it if she posted letting everyone know. If I lost the baby, I didn't want the added guilt of purposely keeping from him what was going on.
As soon as I walked in the door, the hospital was paging me to tell me I had a phone call. I hadn't even registered yet. Of course it was him. He kept begging to come but I didn't think I could handle it. I tried to be firm but everyone in the waiting area was listening to my end of the conversation and by now I had started crying again. I wasn't surprised when he showed up anyway. The mere sight of him hurt. The sweet sound of his voice made my heart ache. They admitted me. I was severely dehydrated and lots of tests had to be done. I didn't want to go through another miscarriage. Though, only a few months along, I already loved my baby so very much. I was so scared. All I really wanted was for him to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay, but I knew that would only hurt more in the long run.
He refused to leave. Everytime he would speak, I would start crying. He finally agreed to be quiet if I allowed him to stay. Once they said the baby was stable and it was okay to relax, I started to feel slightly better. I kept thinking about what my mother had said. He pleaded with me relentlessly. I told him I would never be able to trust him again and I couldn't live like that. He swore I would no matter what it took, and vowed to spend every day of the rest of his life fighting to earn it back.
We talked and cried together all night. He explained that he was seeing us both intentionally at first, but continued as time went on because he wasn't sure how to end the other relationship. Of course, I found this to be an extremely poor excuse but accepted that it was honest and better then none. He asked what it would take to prove he was serious. I remembered a conversation we once had about people getting their boyfriend's/girlfriend's name tattooed on them and how insane he thought it was. I told him to get my name tattooed over his heart and I would take him seriously but still would not promise him another chance. He said I was worth the risk and as soon as things calmed down he was going to. It was the 1st time I had been able to laugh. I spent several days in the hospital. He was right there the entire time. By the time I got out, we had agreed to be friends and take it one day at a time.
I told him he could see whomever he wanted and I wouldn't hold it against him concering the baby, and I meant it. He adamantly reinterated that he was going to somehow find a way to win me over. I don't know how much I believed him. For the moment, it didn't matter. Even if we weren't together, just having him near me seemed to ease the emptiness. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew that for whatever reason, he had somehow became a part of me and it was never going to go away.
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