No Longer Her Home

There's a tradition in our house that involves major cleaning when we know family is going to be staying with us. My oldest daughter has always helped me with this tedious chore. I remember discussing it with her when she was younger. She said, "But they are family, why do we have to be so thourough." I explained that it was out of respect and love that we try hard to make our home nice, clean, and comfortable for them.

This year I was so excited that my mother in law was coming to visit for Thanksgiving and bringing my daughter who had been away at college, as well as her brother, who lives with his mother in Kentucky. I started my usual tradition of freshly washing towels, blankets, and sheets that had been stored away in a closet. I remembered as I cleaned, all the years I'd done this and how it was actually kind of fun, having my older daughter to help me.

That's when I realized that my own child had now become the "company" I was cleaning for. I had a bit of a moment. Her entire life I had been home to her. From the time she was living inside my own body to the time she moved into her dorm, home had always been wherever I was.

She can't travel 9 hours one way when she goes "home" on the weekends, and wouldn't even if she could. To her, home is the town she grew up in. I knew she wasn't telling her friends she was going "home" for the holiday break, but instead was explaining she was going to visit her parents. When her visit was over and it was time to leave, she would then consider herself to be headed home. She would from now on, look at her time with us as visits.

I pondered on this for some time. I hadn't fully taken into account how much her relationship with us would change when she left for school. Our lives had been so chaotic at the time, I think I underestimated the significance of her moving into the dorm. Most kids get to travel home regularly, maintaining that connection to their family. She was so far away, she had begun to take care of herself entirely.

I watched her during her stay. I noticed how she had changed and how grown up she looked. I noted she no longer felt the need to ask for permission or to seek approval. We talked about her plans for her future and she told me what she was going to do. She made all her own decisions and they were well thought out. I was fully aware that any insight I might add was only advice to be taken into consideration now and would have little bearing on what she ultimately chose.

There's a sense of pride that comes with knowing you've raised a child who is now competent and responsible enough to take care of themselves but it's sadly overshadowed by the sense of loss you feel when you realize they no longer need you. Wherever she ends up, I know that home, for me, will never be the same.

Time Marches On

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Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Ours was truly special this year. It wasn't that we had a marvalous feast or a grand selection of deserts. Heck, we didn't even have turkey. We went to Dennys and most of us ordered pancakes.

There are a few times in your life when you have a revalation about something that makes you genuinely appreciative for the memories you've made and the individuals with whom you've been blessed to share them with. This Thanksgiving was one of those moments for me.

This was our first Thanksgiving living so far away from two of our five children and the rest of our family. We hadn't seen them in four long months. Thankfully my mother in law made the nine hour trip and brought them with her for a holiday visit.

Every Thanksgiving prior to this one, we really took for granted that we were all able to be together. I've come to realize over the last four months, how foolish that really was. Children grow up. People move away. Sickness and jobs happen. So many things could have easily made this our 1st Thanksgiving that at least 1 person was unable to be here.

I looked around the room and was truly aware of how incredibly blessed we have been all these years and with a lump in my throat and an ache in my heart, dreaded the inevitable day when a chair will, for whatever reason, be empty. I longed to go back to when my daughter was in high school and we got to see my husband's son regularly.

I realized even with 2 small children, how quiet our normal had become, in comparison to just a few short months ago. I took in the laughter and their smiling faces. I happily watched while our two teenage boys caught up and jokingly teased one another. I listened as their Nana lovingly played with these two little girls who couldn't wait to show off how much they'd learned for her and to my daughter who seemed to have an entirely new life all together.

For a brief moment, time stood still and things felt like old times again. But the sad reality is that those days are gone. The memories of them all together will inevitably become more rare as the years pass, and things will never again be as they once were. Before we know it, they will have families of their own, accompanied by their own obligations and responsibilities.

This Thanksgiving I was truly thankful. Thankful for every holiday God has ever blessed us with as a family. Thankful for every single memory I've ever had the honor of being a part of with my children. Thankful for having a mother in law who thinks we are worth spending her holiday time off work, driving that far to visit us for a few days, only to then have to make the long trip back.

Sadly, it's quiet again. Everyone has gone home and we already miss them. As I sit here reflecting in the silence and thanking God for their safe travels, I am reminded of what really matters in this world and how relevant these precious moments with our children really are. Time marches on, as the old song goes. In the end, we'll all be left missing the noise.

Our Family Complete

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We were able to pay my daughter's friends to help us move everything next door. The move went relatively well. We loved the house! All the extra space made us feel so much more at home. It was the nicest place we had ever lived.

My daughter was able to move on to the next competition. This time she'd be competing against adults and master's level college kids as well. She got 2nd place, securing another $3,000. She decided to start looking at business as a potential college major. We were so proud of her.

I soon made it to the point my cerclage could be removed. It was quite painful this time. We knew there was a chance I could immediately start dilating and go into labor. We waited for a few hours at the hospital, but nothing. I was released. Everything still looked good.

Work was becoming more and more difficult. I was so tired all the time and so uncomfortable. Every step took effort. Everything ached. I was so grateful the baby was now considered to be out of danger and so ready to no longer be pregnant!

I took a nice long bath and woke up to my water breaking at 6 a.m. I waited and waited, but no contractions. I called my doctor's office when they opened and they asked me to come on in. They checked me around 10 a.m. and verified I had begun dilating. I wanted to go home and wait until the contractions got stronger. We only lived 10 minutes from the hospital. They were adamant it could happen quickly and sent me to the hospital instead.

Of course, it didn't happen quickly. Labor went on for hours. Again I declined meds as long as I could stand it. Finally, I was shaking so bad in pain, I decided to give the epideral another try. Once again, several tries to finally get it in correctly, then nothing. It didn't help at all.

Finally the doctor checked me and said I was dilated to 7. In misery, I told him she was coming. He said if I felt like I needed to push I should try. As soon as I started pushing I immidiately dialted to 10 and she was on her way. I couldn't continue. I had nothing left.

He then took my hand and pulled it forward. I felt this tiny little head. He told me she couldn't stay like that long, safely. It was kind of scary, but it was the motivation I needed. I pushed 2-3 more times and it was over. She was beautiful! She was healthy and so very perfect. We named her Mallory, and combined my husband's mother Janet and Grandmother Geneva's names for her middle name Janeva.

I'll never forget watching our other children take turns holding her for the 1st time. This beautiful, wrinkled little creature, that was actually living inside my body just moments before. God had once again got us through another milestone in our lives and we were leaving there with our family complete.

Unanswered Prayers

We went on to make many happy memories in that house. We could not contain our excitement when the time approached to sign the paperwork to officially start making it our own. We had spent hours going over possible renovations to start converting the basement to extra living space with the money we would have left over after our 1st Ballon payment.

I was confused when they asked to run our credit history. Why would we need to buy on land contract if we had good credit? I had assumed our credit issues were implied early on. I was mistaken. After explaining my husband had just discharged his bankruptcy and mine was still processing, their attorney felt we were high risk and advised them not to pursue the agreement.

Now that we had the money from our tax return and could afford it, they also needed us to pay the amount of rent the home usually rented for, which was $225 per month more then we had been paying, back up and pay the difference from the time we had moved in, and pay 1 full months rent as a deposit. We had already relinquished our other house to the bank. Going back was not an option.

I was so upset. I felt like our dream come true, our answered prayer, had been stolen away from me. It seemed every time we thought we were finally getting somewhere, something terrible would happen. I cried a lot and prayed a lot. Finally, we discussed it and determined we liked it there and did not want to move. We knew they were good, Christian people, and were only looking out for their best interests.

After all, they barely knew us and we both had recent bankruptcies. This was a big risk for them. We paid all the money they requested and decided to put back what was left of our return to supplement the rent increase. Who knows, maybe after some time passed, they'd change their minds. If not, we'd stay as long as we could afford it and go from there. I hated feeling so unstable in our living situation, but for now it was the best option.

Meanwhile, our oldest was keeping us very busy. It was time for her Junior Prom. We found her a beautiful dress on Facebook and were able to find matching shoes and jewelry within our budget. It went great! She had also entered a competition at her school sponsored by a local college.

Between her intellect and her knowledge gained from her experience with the FFA, she won 1st place! I'd never seen her so proud of herself as she was holding that giant, $1,000 check. I had never been prouder of her either, and cried so hard I likely embarrassed her.

It's such an odd feeling to be standing there watching this amazing accomplishment of your daughter who was becoming such an admirable young woman, while pregnant with another daughter whose life has yet to begin.

We soon received a call from our landlords. Our neighbors were moving out of the house next door, which was also one of their rental properties. The rent was the same, but the square footage was quit a bit more. Thinking of our large and growing family with the baby coming, they offered to let us move over into the other house so we could live more comfortably.

We walked over to look at it and found the most beautiful kitchen I'd ever seen! The island was bigger then our couch! It had 2 stoves, and 2 refrigerators. It not only boasted a large living room, but had a dining room and den as well! I was shocked to find 2 of the 3 bedrooms had on suites and their closets were literally big enough to be bedrooms by themselves.

The master bath was complete with a large jacuzzi tub and vanity area. It too had a full unfinished basement for storage. I nearly cried when I saw the small fenced in yard, perfect for 2 little girls. Maybe this is why things didn't work out with the other house. We weren't meant to stay there. We immediately agreed. We sometimes hated the unpredictability in our lives, but in the end, things always had a way of working themselves out. This was where I wanted to bring our baby home. Sometimes unanswered prayers end up being some of our greatest blessings.

A 2nd Chance

There we were. Months away from bringing our 5th child into the world, in a home we could barely afford that seemed to already be busting at the seams. Debt collectors were relentless. It was obvious to us our dream of owning a nicer home was dead and it was time to file bankruptcy if we were to ever have a chance of digging ourself out of this hole. We felt like failures.

The attorney suggested we file seperetly due to only my name being on the house deed. We were fortunate enough to get my husband's filed and over with relatively quickly. Mine was more complicated. We had to decide if we were able to commit to this house we hated for another 30 years. Even then, our payment was going to be raising.

Our other option was to move and add the home onto my bankruptcy. This would forego any equity I had built in the 7 years I had been paying on it, and it was unlikely we'd find a rental at or below what our house payment was.

It was a hard decision. I had so many memories with my mom there. It was the 1st home I bought for myself and my children, and I had managed to do it as a single mom. On the other hand, though perfect when it was just me and my two children, it just wasn't functional for our large family now, and the fact that it was attached to the negative stigma I associated with loosing my mom's house next door was overwhelming at times.

I spent a lot of time praying about what to do. Then, one day I went to pick up my daughter from work. She had mentioned our dilemma to the lady she worked for. She would always walk my daughter out to my car. It was obvious she could see the worry and distress in my face. She talked with me for a long time and said she would be praying for us also. I left feeling reassured. Whatever happened, we would end up where God intended for us to be.

A few days later, we were nearly out of time on our decision. I again picked my daughter up and was greeted by her employer. She told me of someone she knew who had a home for sale and might consider land contract. I tried hard not to get my hopes up, but I felt this had to be the sign I'd been looking for!

I contacted her immidiately. She was willing to waive the deposit and allow us to pay the same thing monthly we were paying on our current house payment. In return, we agreed to devote the majority of our tax return to making a large extra payment toward the balance every year. We would spend the next few years rebuilding our credit and would then revisit the contract in order to finance the remaining balance with a conventional loan.

We went to see the house and loved it! Though it was still 3 bedrooms, it had an extra bath and nearly double the square footage! It also had a full unfinished basement perfect for storage but also left so many options for extra room with a bit of renovation. It seemed our prayers had been answered. I felt so foolish for being so distraught.

We moved in immidiately! We agreed to rent it through the holidays to get to know each other and would sign the contract a few months later when we got our tax return and could make our 1st balloon payment. We went from feeling hopeless in our tiny sardine can to looking forward to bringing our baby home to a big, beautiful home that would one day be our own, full of memories we would make together with our family. We'd been given a 2nd chance.

Hope for Our Future

So far, I had been able to continue working. I went in and started preparing for my day, as usual, despite some nagging cramping. A quick restroom break left me again, rushing to the doctor, only to learn we were once again in for a high risk pregnancy. I was deflated. I had been optimistic that the majority of issues surrounding my last pregnancy steemed from the trauma of loosing my mom.

I was put on light duty at work and would soon need another cerclage to avoid preterm labor. We were in the midst of a transition at my job. Overtime was required most every day, and not complying was a serious offense. As the pregnancy progressed, it became more and more difficult to continue the long hours, despite sitting at a desk for the majority of the day.

Though secretly hoping for another girl, my prayers were directed toward our baby being healthy. Each ultrasound became more and more frustrating as the baby would position herself in a way that prevented them from determining the sex.

The cerclage went well, and my doctor eventually restricted me from working any overtime at all. It was obvious it was frowned upon at work. It seemed new documentation was continuously required and I felt more and more pressure because of it. Our lives had always been chaotic. It certainly showed no signs of slowing down just because I was pregnant.

We soon learned we were indeed expecting another little girl. Our toddler was so excited about becoming a big sister! I loved to listen to her talk about all the things she was going to do with her new baby. As my stomach grew, she soon began sticking her dolls under her shirt and telling the teachers at her daycare that she had a baby in her tummy.

Just prior to learning we were pregnant, my oldest daughter wanted to make some extra spending money she knew we couldn't afford to giver her, so she started cleaning the home of a friend and previous coworker of ours. They became very close and I was grateful she had developed such a good relationship with this woman I greatly admired and respected.

She had began taking photos as a hobby and had become an excellent photographer. Knowing how tight our money situation was and loving my daughter the way she did, she offered to take Homecoming photos of her at no charge. They came out amazing! She was able to showcase her love for the FFA as well. We bought her dress on ebay and it was just beautiful on her.

She later proved to be a great support to me in offering advice relating to my pregnancy. She was an experienced nurse and had even assisted before with the procedure I had. Considering how tired and preoccupied I had become, she was an asset to our daughter's life and had been a wonderful influence on her.

As the months passed, I felt more and more sick. I was always tired and weak. Waves of nausea were becoming more and more common. Morning sickness had evolved into all the time sickness and was accompanied by constant aches and pains. I felt so old.

Our house seemed to continue to shrink as baby items started to emerge. I had come to hate my job and felt I could no longer do it efficiently. I couldn't quit because we needed the money. I knew I looked terrible. Nothing fit right and we couldn't afford to just go out and buy new clothes.

Our home was only a matter of feet from my mother's. Every time I walked out my front door I had to face the fact she wasn't there. I was quickly becoming depressed. I truly needed something good to happen. Just something to pick up my spirits. Something to reassure me that everything was going to be okay, despite the way I felt. Hope for our future.